Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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