It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
