im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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