it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
