I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
