K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
