nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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