She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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