not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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