I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
