I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
