i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
