Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
two words: eviction party
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
