I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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