I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
