mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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