Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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