take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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