Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
