we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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