The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
