the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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