You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
