proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Randomize
