I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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