I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
