I CAN MOONWALK!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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