and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
