I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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