you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
