Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
They are going to name an STD after you.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize