ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
