Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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