he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
