Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
