I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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