he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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