Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize