Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
