wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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