I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
