I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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