So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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