so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
