I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
