I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
