Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
