I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think I sprained my soul last night
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
