Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
