But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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