I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
