Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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