In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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