Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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