You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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