A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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