So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
