I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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