You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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