Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
