Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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