I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
