Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
