some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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