You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
