When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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