The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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